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I hope everyone enjoys this. I sure did. Also, spread this file around. It is to funny to keep to yourselves. FILE: BEST OF MONTY PYTHON +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ ! THE BEST OF MONTY PYTHON ! ! VOLUME I ! ! A COLLECTION COMPILED BY.. ! ! ! ! +------->TWO TONE<-------+ ! ! !----->THE DARK LORD<----! ! ! !----->BRITISH BLOKE<----! ! ! +-------->MR TOY<--------+ ! ! >>>>>>THE DISSIDENTS<<<<<< ! ! WITH THANKS TO STRIKER ! +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ In these files we will be collecting what we feel to be the best songs, skits, and miscellany ever created by Monty Python. Look for more volumes of this collection coming soon! ->The Dissidents THE SPERM SONG --- ----- ---- There are Jews in the world, There are Buddhists. There are Hindus and Mormons and then... There are those that follow Mohammed but I've never been one of them... I'm a Roman Catholic, And have been since before I was born. And the one thing they say about Catholics is, They'll take you as soon as you're warm. You don't have to be a six-footer, You don't have to have a great brain, You don't have to have any clothes on, You're a Catholic the moment Dad came. Because... Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate. Let the heathens spill theirs On the dusty ground, God shall make them pay for Each sperm that can't be found. Every sperm is wanted, Every sperm is good, Every sperm is needed, In your neighboorhood. Every sperm is useful, Every sperm is fine, God needs everybody's, Mine and mine and mine. Let the pagans spill theirs, On mountain here and then, God will strike them down for each sperm that's spilt in vain. Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is good, Every sperm is needed In your neighborhood. ========================================================================= WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT? ------ -- --- ------ Whenever life gets you down Mrs. Brown, And things seem hard or tough, And people are stupid, obnoxious, or daft, And you feel that you've had quite enough... Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving, And revolving at nine-hundred miles an hour. That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned, A sun that is the source of all our power. The Sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see, Are moving at a million miles a day, In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour, Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way. Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars, It's one-hundred thousand light years side to side. It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick, But out by us it's just three thousand light years wide. We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point, We go round every two-hundred million years, And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions In this amazing and expanding universe. The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding In all of the directions it can whiz. As fast as it can go, the speed of light you know, Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is. So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure, How amazingly unlikely is your birth, And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space, Because there's bugger all down here on earth. ========================================================================= from MONTY PYTHON'S HOLY GRAIL ---- ----- -------- ---- ----- A> King Arthur D> Dennis F> Friend of Dennis A> Old Woman! D> Man! A> Sorry. Old Man. What knight lives in that castle over there? D> I'm thirty-seven. A> What? D> I'm thirty-seven; I'm not old. A> Well, I can't just call you Man. D> You could say Dennis. A> I didn't know you were called Dennis. D> You didn't bother to find out, did you? A> Well, I did say sorry about the Old Woman, but from behind you looked very much like- D> What I am complaining about is that you automatically treat me as an inferior. A> Well, I am king. D> Oh, King ay? And how did you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma that perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there is ever to be any change- F> Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here... Oh, hello. A> Good afternoon, good lady, I am Arthur, King of the Britains. F> King of the who? A> The Britains! F> Who are the Britains? A> We all are...And I am your king. F> I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. D> You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes- F> Oh, there you go bringing class into it again. D> Well, that's what it's all about if only people would listen... A> Please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? F> No one lives there. A> Then who is your lord? F> We don't have a lord. D> Look, I told you. We're in a narcosindicalist commune. We take it in turn to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. A> I see. D> But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting... A> Please be quiet. D> ...by a civil majority in the case of purely internal affairs... A> Be quiet. D> ...or by a two-thirds majority in the case of more- A> Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! F> Order?! Who does he think he is? A> I am your king. F> Well, I didn't vote for you. A> You don't vote for kings! S> Well, how did you become king then? A> The lady of the lake, her arm clad in the finest shimmering samite, held aloft from the bosom of the water Excalibur signifying to me that I was to be king of all England. That is why I am your king. D> Listen. Strange women lying about in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power comes from a mandate from the masses! Not from some farcical acquatic ceremony! You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! A> Shut up! Will you shut up?! D> Look. If I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away! A> Shut up! shut up! D> Oh, now we see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed! A> Bloody peasant! D> Oh, what a give away! Did you hear that? That's what I'm on about. You saw him repressing me, didn't you? ========================================================================= ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE ------ ---- -- --- ------ ---- -- ---- (from THE LIFE OF BRIAN) Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say. Some things in life are bad They can really make you mad Other things just make you swear and curse When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best... And... (music starts) ...always look on the bright side of life (whistle) Always look on the bright side of life... (whistle) If life seems jolly rotten There's something you've forgotten And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing, When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps Just purse your lips and whistle--that's the thing. And...always look on the bright side of life... (whistle) Always look on the right side of life... (whistle) For life is quite absurd And death's the final word You must always face the curtain with a bow Forget about your sin--give the audiences a grin Enjoy it--it's your last chance anyhow. So always look on the bright side of death Just before you draw your terminal breath Life's a piece of shit When you look at it Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true, You'll see it's all a show, Keep 'em laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And always look on the bright side of life... (whistle) Always look on the right side of life (whistle) ========================================================================= GOD'S GREAT GIFTS ===== ===== ===== All things dull and ugly, All creatures great and squat All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot. Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid Who made the spikey urchin, Who made the sharks? He did. All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. Amen. ========================================================================= THE PARROT SKETCH --- ------ ------ S> Store Owner C> Customer C> I wish to register a complaint! Hello Miss! S> What do you mean Miss? C> I'm sorry. I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint! S> I'm sorry, we're closed for lunch. C> Never mind that, my lad! I wish to complain about this parrot which I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique! S> Ah yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's uh...What's wrong with it? C> I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead. That's what's wrong with it. S> No, no. He's uh... He's not dead. He's resting-yeah. Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, isn't it, eh? Beautiful plumage. C> The plumage doesn't enter into it! It's stone dead! S> No, no... He's...He's resting. C> All right, then. If he's resting, I'll wake him up! HELLO, MR. POLLY PARROT!! I GOT A NICE FRESH BANANA HERE!! S> There! He moved! C> No he didn't! You hit the cage! S> I never! C> Yes you did! S> I never touched the cage. I didn't. C> HELLO, POLLY!!! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! ...Now that's what I call a dead parrot. S> He's stunned. C> Stunned?! S> Yeah. You stunned him just as he was waking up! Norwegian Blues stun easily. C> Now look! Don't play the slippery eel with me! That parrot is definitely deceased! And when I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that it's total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk! S> Well, he's uh... He's probably pining for the fields. C> Pining for the fields?! What kind of talk is that?! Now, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home? S> The Norwegian Blue prefers keeping on his back. Remarkable bird isn't it, eh Major? Beautiful plumage. C> Look, Tosh! I took the liberty of examining that bird when I got it home, and I discovered that the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there! S> Well, of course it had been nailed there! Listen, Butch, if I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would've muscled up to them bars, bent them apart with its little pecker, and VOOM! C> Voom? S> Voom. C> Mate, this parrot wouldn't voom if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised! S> No, no. He's pining! C> He's not pining! He's...He's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Breathed of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! He's curled up his tootsies! He's shuffled off this mortal coil! He's run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! Vis-a-vis the metabolic processes is at his lot! All statements to the effect of "this parrot is still a going concern" are from now on inoperative! This is an ex-parrot!! S> Well... Well, I'd better replace it then. C> If you want anything done in this country you've got to go... What's the news? S> Well, I've had a look round back, and we're right out of parrots. C> I see, I see... I get the picture. S> I've got a slug... C> Does it talk? S> Yep. C> Right. I'll have that one then. ========================================================================= Well, that's it for volume I. Look for more files in the Monty Python series. We'll be finished with the next one soon! -> The Dissidents ========================================================================= The Orbulon AE Line....(818) 999-4278 PW = THEORB =========================================================================